→ Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
→ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
→ I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
→ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
→ I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
→ Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
→ Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
→ The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
→ Don't steal. That's the government's job.
→ The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
→ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
→ If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in jesus name amen"
→ I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.
→ From now on I will be doing my laundry while nude. This way when I'm done, I will truly be finished washing all of my clothes.
→ Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
→ You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
→ If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
→ The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
→ I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
→ If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
→ It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
→ Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
→ Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
→ No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.
→ I keep forgetting the “o” part of “Hello.” My boss is NOT happy with the way I’ve been answering his phone.
→ The difference between my boss and the pop? The pope only expects me to kiss his ring.
→ A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.
→ Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
→ Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories (per hr)
→ Less day, More hump...
→ Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for shitty jobs.
→ Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.
→ If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it's time to get a job.
→ I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag
→ Maybe things would improve if we shipped Congress's jobs overseas too.
→ No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.
→ There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.
→ My idea of a high stress job is one where you work with other people.
→ The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone.
→ When in doubt, mumble.
→ Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it’s always “Who’s responsible for this?”
→ All the people you meet on the way up, you'll meet on the way back down.
→ The subject line starts “Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re: “, so there’s no way this isn’t a complete waste of time.
→ I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
→ It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you lay the blame.
→ It’s the little things in life that count. Like my salary.
→ If boredom were a career, I'd be at the top of my field!
→ I'm either going to do a bank job, or get a job at a bank; but one of those must happen if I'm going to survive this economy!
→ Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go.