→ The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

→ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

→ Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

→ Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

→ Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.

→ Only dead fish go with the flow.

→ When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

→ Read each sentence:This is this cat. This is is cat.This is how cat. This is to cat. This is keep cat. This is a cat. This is retard cat. This is busy cat. This is for cat. This is 40 cat. This is seconds cat. Now read every third word in each sentence :)

→ Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

→ thinks that wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

→ I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

→ Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

→ When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

→ The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

→ What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

→ Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

→ If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

→ Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.

→ They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.

→ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

→ Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

→ I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

→ This guy has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

→ The next bench I find is gettin some ass.

→ is wishing life came with a "how to" guide!

→ A study of 130 koalas in captivity found 15 cases of straight koala sex and 43 cases of gay koala sex among lady koalas only

→ why can't the Dolphins play as good as I play with them on Madden?

→ I'm homophobic, but only in the way that I'm arachnophobic. I have nothing against homosexuals or spiders, but I'd still scream if I found one in my bathtub.

→ Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

→ Back in my day animals were crackers not rubber bands.

→ I love sleep so much, it's the first thing I want to do when I wake up

→ Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?

→ What do i do when i see the most beautiful person in the world..? I smile, I stare...... Then, I put the mirror down..

→ If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

→ When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

→ Luposlipaphobia - fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor

→ I'm not a biologist but I'm pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.

→ Fun fact: Fireflies are not actually flies, they're beetles. Also, most of them are not on fire.

→ seriously wants a pink cow... someone holla if u get one that needs to be adopted

→ Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.

→ I love dogs, that's why I consider poodles cats.

→ Thanks confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails

→ My tummy just growled so loud the dog barked at it.

→ Angry Birds pisses me off